How to Help Someone You Love Live Longer (Without Nagging)
In this article
There is a particular kind of worry that comes with loving someone. You notice your dad getting winded on the stairs. Your partner is sleeping five hours a night. Your best friend says she'll quit in the new year. You can see the years at stake more clearly than they seem to, and you can't make a single one of their choices for them.
Most advice on this stops at "be supportive." The research is more specific. Pushing and guilt come naturally when you are worried, and the studies did not find better habits on the days people used them. What they point to looks almost too simple. Say why you are asking, change your own routine and show up in person.
If what you have noticed is new, such as breathlessness on the stairs, that is a question for their doctor before it is a question about habits. Everything below is about habits.
The short answer
Five things have evidence behind them, and none of them is pressure.
- Say why you're asking. You want more time with them. In a diary study of couples, a partner saying how much it mattered to them was grouped with encouragement. Guilt was grouped with pressure (Scholz 2021).
- Start something yourself and invite them. In 3,722 couples aged 50 and over, inactive people were far more likely to become active when their partner did (Jackson 2015).
- Encourage, and drop the pressure. On days their partner encouraged them, people trying to change did more of the healthy behavior. On days with more pressure, they hid the unhealthy one more often (Scholz 2021).
- Show up in person. Seeing family and friends face to face is linked to a lower chance of significant depressive symptoms two years later (Teo 2015).
- For a parent aged 60 or older, help them find a balance class. Across 59 randomized trials, exercise programs cut the rate of falls by 23% (Sherrington 2019).
One limit belongs up front. None of these studies tested whether helping someone adds years to that person's life. The one that counted deaths asked a different question, whether people with stronger relationships live longer. The rest measured things like habits, mood and falls.
Of inactive men became active when their partner did, compared with 26% when the partner stayed inactive. For women it was 66% and 24%
Jackson et al., JAMA Internal Medicine, 2015, 3,722 couples aged 50 and over in the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing
Start with why you're asking
Before any habit, say the true thing. You are not asking because they are doing it wrong. You are asking because you love them, and you want more years with them and more ordinary Tuesdays.
The same wish can come out either way. "I want to be walking with you when we're eighty" is an invitation. "Don't you want to see your grandchildren grow up?" is guilt. The first says what they mean to you and leaves the choice with them. The second hands them a debt. Those two lines are ours, not a study's.
Change with them, not at them
The most useful study on this question followed 3,722 married and cohabiting couples aged 50 and over in the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing. The researchers looked at people with an unhealthy habit and asked what happened when their partner changed (Jackson 2015).
Among inactive men, 67% became active when their partner became active, against 26% when the partner stayed inactive. For women the figures were 66% and 24%. The same pattern held for losing weight and for quitting smoking, though only about thirty men and thirty women who smoked had a partner who quit.
If you already have the habit, your example counts too. About half of inactive people became active when their partner had been active all along, about double the rate with an inactive partner. More still did when the partner started during the study.
The study could not tell whether one partner prompted the other or whether couples decided together, and it says less about a parent across town or a friend. Still, if you want someone you love to move more, the most promising thing you can do is start, and invite them along.
Does nagging work?
In three studies that tracked it day by day, no. Days with more pressure and guilt came with no better habits, with feeling worse and with more hiding.
Researchers have a name for trying to steer another person's health habits. They call it social control, and it comes in two kinds. Positive control, which this post calls encouragement, leaves the choice with them. It means talking it over, trying to persuade, saying how much it matters to you, complimenting an attempt, or reminding them. Negative control is pressure and guilt, which is what most of us mean by nagging.
Three diary studies of couples, covering smoking and physical activity, found the two kinds pointing in opposite directions. Everyone in them was already trying to quit or to move more. On days with more encouragement, people smoked less or moved more, and felt better. On days with more pressure and guilt, they felt worse and showed more of what the researchers call reactance, which means doing the opposite of what the partner wanted or hiding the behavior (Scholz 2021).
One of the three studies followed couples where both partners smoked, and there some of this held for men only. Only men smoked less on days with encouragement, and only men felt worse and did the opposite on days with pressure. Men and women alike hid their smoking more on days with pressure.
Two limits apply. These patterns appeared on the same day and mostly did not carry over to the next, so they cannot show a lasting change. They also cannot show which came first, since a partner may push harder on a day that is already going badly.
Even so, in these diaries a day with more pressure was not a day with more smoking or less activity. It was a day with no better habits and with more hiding. Encouragement is the better bet, and a reminder is on the encouraging side.
What to say, and what to skip
None of these lines comes from a study. They are the findings above turned into sentences. Each swaps pressure or guilt for an invitation.
- "I want a lot more evenings like this with you. Walk with me after dinner?" in place of "You need to exercise."
- "What do you want to still be doing in ten years?" in place of "You never look after yourself."
- "I love our Sundays. Walk to the corner with me?" in place of "You never leave the house."
- "If you ever want to try quitting, I'm in. Tell me what would help." in place of "You promised you'd quit."
- "Would it help if I came to the appointment?" in place of "You should have gone months ago."
The question about ten years is the one we would ask first, because it lets the reason be theirs. We wrote more about finding that reason in find your why and about the research on purpose in purpose and longevity.
If they say no
Take the no. Leave the invitation open and keep up your own change. Asking again the same evening is pressure. Ask again next week, once, as an invitation. The diary studies followed people who were already trying to change, so they cannot say what helps someone who is not.
A new symptom is the one thing not to wait on. Tell them what you have noticed, and offer to come to the appointment.
Show up in person
Connection has some of the strongest numbers in longevity research. Across 148 studies, stronger social relationships were associated with about a 50% greater likelihood of survival (Holt-Lunstad 2010).
A study of 11,065 Americans aged 50 and over looked at how often they saw family and friends, taken together, and how they were doing two years later. Those who met in person only every few months or less had an 11.5% chance of significant depressive symptoms. For those who met once or twice a week it was 7.3%. Phone calls showed no such pattern (Teo 2015).
This is about mood, and it is an association. If you live close enough, it is a reason to make the drive. If you don't, call anyway. The study does not say calls do nothing, only that it could not see their mark on mood. More on the wider evidence is in our post on loneliness and longevity, and the relationships library has actions to browse.
Helping an aging parent
Most of the evidence above comes from couples. With a parent the first step is the same. Tell them why you are asking. Then three things are worth trying.
See them in person, and walk when you do. In the study of in-person contact above, seeing children in person showed no clear link to mood across the whole sample. Among people aged 70 and over, those who saw their children at least three times a week were less likely to have significant depressive symptoms two years later (Teo 2015).
Help them find a balance class. For a parent aged 60 or older, the best-tested exercise for preventing falls is the kind that trains balance. Across 59 randomized trials with nearly 13,000 older adults, exercise programs cut the rate of falls by 23%, and programs built on balance and functional exercises did about the same (Sherrington 2019). Their doctor or a physical therapist can suggest a class. In the same review the effect of walking programs on falls was uncertain, so keep the walk for the company.
Offer to come to the appointment. About four in ten older Americans usually bring someone to routine medical visits, and those patients report being more satisfied with how their doctor shares information (Wolff and Roter 2008). That survey measured satisfaction, not health. A second pair of ears is a kindness, not a treatment, so offer and let them say no. What a routine visit can and cannot do is in do annual checkups help you live longer.
If it helps to see the time you are asking for, our time left with parents calculator takes their age and sex, your age and how often you meet, and shows how many years and visits you have left together on average. It runs in your browser, and what you type is not sent or saved.
Helping someone quit smoking
Programs that coach partners to be more supportive have not raised long-term quit rates (Faseru 2018). If you smoke too, quitting together is the most promising thing you can offer (Jackson 2015). If you don't, encourage and leave the pressure out.
When they are ready to try, there is free help to point to. In the US, 1-800-QUIT-NOW connects a caller with a trained quit coach at no cost. Among smokers who called a quitline, about 10 in 100 of those who got several counseling calls were smoke-free at least six months later, compared with 7 in 100 of those who got self-help materials or a single brief call (Matkin 2019). Offer the number. The call is theirs. What quitting is worth at each age is in our post on quitting and life expectancy.
Where to start tonight
Tell them why. Then pick one thing you would do anyway and invite them. A walk after dinner is enough. If they say no, walk anyway, and ask again next week. If they live far away, call, and plan the next visit while you are on the phone.
You can't decide for the people you love. You can tell them what they mean to you, and you can change with them, not at them.
Where Longlevity fits
Start with yourself. Take the free assessment, which gives your own estimated lifespan in about two minutes and keeps the subject on you. How the estimate is built is on our methodology page. If they want to try it too, comparing kindly is its own short guide.
Go first
Take the free 2-minute assessment for your own estimated lifespan, then compare with someone you love.
Take the Assessment →Frequently asked questions
How do I get my husband or wife to be healthier without nagging?
Tell them why you are asking, then change something yourself and invite them along. In a study of 3,722 couples aged 50 and over, about two thirds of inactive people became active when their partner did, compared with about a quarter when the partner stayed inactive (Jackson 2015). The study could not tell who prompted whom, but starting is the most promising thing you can do.
Does nagging someone about their health work?
Three diary studies of couples did not link pressure and guilt to better habits, and they did link them to feeling worse. People who were trying to change hid the unhealthy behavior more on days with more pressure, and did more of the healthy one on days with more encouragement, which includes reminders (Scholz 2021).
How do you help someone who doesn't want to help themselves?
You can't decide for them. Take the no, keep up your own change, and leave the invitation open. We would ask what they want to still be doing in ten years before asking again. A new symptom is different. Tell them what you have noticed, and offer to come to the appointment.
How can I help my parents live longer?
Aim at what has been tested. In adults aged 60 and over, exercise programs cut the rate of falls by 23%, and programs built on balance did about the same (Sherrington 2019), so helping a parent find a balance class is a good start. See them in person when you can, and offer to come to an appointment. None of the studies here tested whether a child's help adds years.
Related reading
Citations
- Jackson SE, Steptoe A, Wardle J. The influence of partner's behavior on health behavior change: the English Longitudinal Study of Ageing. JAMA Internal Medicine. 2015;175(3):385-392.
- Scholz U, Stadler G, Berli C, Lüscher J, Knoll N. How do people experience and respond to social control from their partner? Three daily diary studies. Frontiers in Psychology. 2021;11:613546.
- Holt-Lunstad J, Smith TB, Layton JB. Social relationships and mortality risk: a meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine. 2010;7(7):e1000316.
- Teo AR, Choi H, Andrea SB, et al. Does mode of contact with different types of social relationships predict depression in older adults? Evidence from a nationally representative survey. Journal of the American Geriatrics Society. 2015;63(10):2014-2022.
- Wolff JL, Roter DL. Hidden in plain sight: medical visit companions as a resource for vulnerable older adults. Archives of Internal Medicine. 2008;168(13):1409-1415.
- Faseru B, Richter KP, Scheuermann TS, Park EW. Enhancing partner support to improve smoking cessation. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews. 2018;8:CD002928.
- Sherrington C, Fairhall NJ, Wallbank GK, et al. Exercise for preventing falls in older people living in the community. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews. 2019;1:CD012424.
- Matkin W, Ordóñez-Mena JM, Hartmann-Boyce J. Telephone counselling for smoking cessation. Cochrane Database of Systematic Reviews. 2019;5:CD002850.